Married

I'm not sure what to write. I just want to. What, I don't know. Words, my only solace. I actually want to scream, but at whom? Me probably. The love of my life, married. The guy next to her, luckiest man alive. She, stunning in her pictures. Me, shattered by my own inadequacy.

You can live your whole life declaring you're the shit, you can live a false existence in your own mind, pigeon-hole yourself into your own world of comfort, but someday, you will be snatched from your sorry, stupid dream-like trance and your reality will be bared naked in front you. Somewhere a relationship status will change, and you, a month later will moan in agony at your utter stupidity, at your complacency, even as you sit there, doing nothing but typing.

That is life, a sad life, yes, but its life. Now you have nothing to think about but settling. Fuck fate. I hate fate. Fate makes me sick to the core. It is the vile pill I believed in falsely, that bored itself into the recesses of my brain, even as she went on with her life. It disgusts me, I disgust myself for having taken fate as my saviour. I hid behind it like a man afraid of seeing himself in a mirror and now, I look at the man in that picture, envious of him, unable to blame him, it is me he smiles at, he taught me a lesson without meaning to, he snatched what was dear to me, without ever knowing that I had once wanted to claim it.

I feel sorry for myself. I am so stupid, so utterly stupid. All those years I allowed myself to languish, I found reason after reason not to tell her. And now, the inevitable has happened, she is married and I, well I the fool I am wish her nothing but happiness. How chivalrous, how grand, how fucking stupid.

The love of my life. In another man's arms. I am not jealous, no, I am infuriated. All those nights I cursed my inability to tell her have come rushing back. I have no one to blame but me. No one to live with, but me. No one to share this with, but these words. No one to talk to, but scream at myself. I want to scream, but my throat is unable. I want to cry too, but my eyes continue to blink in fury. I am unable to show emotion, once again.

Love of my life- There is a song that encapsulates this moment, but even that eludes me. There is a book that tells this story, but I don't remember it touching me as much. There is a tale of woe that has been told like this before, but in it the maiden was not as fair and the lover was not as sad. I am distraught. I cannot sleep tonight, I don't think- or perhaps I can, just as I have before.
I thought I had more time- what a fickle notion. September 6th, worst day of my fucking life, without me even knowing it.

I used to say I don't regret. Now, I cannot help it. I regret it all. I regret not telling her I liked her. I regret not screaming it from the rooftops. I regret not being a better man. regret every moment I spent in her presence, because as such, it was a moment wasted. She was perfect for me, I regret not telling her. I regret that I have nothing but words. I regret putting myself in this position.

You stupid stupid man, you inadequate son of a bitch, you did this to yourself.