The smell of days gone by

Fuck. I'm starting to hate getting emails from my friends in Canada. It puts me in this wierd funk for a few days whenever it happens. I miss them so much, I'd give up all of thsi month's salary for just two hours with my friends, just one chance to sit down and not have to act out of my skin, just be me. For those three minutes while I read my friends' emails, nothing is better in life. No one could be more happier than me in those minutes, but then the slide downwards begins- again. For days afterwards, I can think of nothing else but them. I day dream about being with them, about the next time I will see them, about what I'll say and how it'll be. Stupid shit, you know. But its all I have right now.

Life is mad lonely here. People here are different. At work, everyone wants to trip everyone else. They have nothing to do but talk about what everyone is not doing or doing. Its annoying and it getting to me. The amount of time I imagined myself spending at this job was atleast two years when I started. About a month and a half into it, I can see that if I last more than a year, then that will have meant monumental change in the company's attitude towards its employees. Having said that, there are a few good people in there and I think I'm just gonna keep to myself and them for the rest of however long I am here.

This stuff all just comes to a boil whenever something reminds me of Canada. I have stopped checking hotmail for weeks on end, just cuz its starting to get painful. Maybe I'm running way, trying to ignore my emotions, but fuck it. It hurts man. It hurts a lot. I want someone to talk to. I want some freedom. This sacrifise is not worth it.

The craziest thing has been happeing lately, too. Since, I just got paid recently, I went on a wee bit shopping trip and bought a few things I have been overdue for, like colognes. I bought some of all time favorites because I had run out for a while. The things with sense of smell though, is that it is connected to memory-atleats it is in my case. And just putting some of these colognes on the last few days has transported me back to my university. I can absolutely envision myself hurriedly spraying on Emporio before I zipped up my jacket and jetted down to a late history class. Or when I stole Issey Miyake from Reza's room before I went out on a big date. My date likes it, and due to her complement, I kept the bottle for almost a month. Life is funny lie that you know. The starngest things can remind you of the most amazing things.

I promised my friends back in December that I would never again mention in an email that I missed them. I though it was getting redundant to repeat myself, I thought since I would have to live with it anyway, I might as well get over it and move on. Seven months later, not much has changed.

I miss everything about home. From the smiles of people walking on the street, to the buses being on time. From the walk in the woods with friends, to the crisp november mornings. From the movie nights to the impromptu shopping trips. Life was good. I can't help but wonder why I left. The funny thing is that I was so convinced then that I did want to leave.

ps: If you are a friend that does email me, please don't stop. My hatred for your emails is figurative only. I love your emails, and I don't want you to stop.