Feminist Thoughts from a Male Dominated Land

I find that I have become a feminist in Pakistan. That is not to say that I have not been a supporter of women's rights in the past, rather that seeing things as they are in Pakistan, I find myself pointing things out to other people and questioning women around me as to how they feel being mistreated. The fact is though that this is how life is around here.

For example, women here do not look at the lack of pleasantries as an odd thing, a man and even boys can get way with just yelling "water" when they need some water. Before you know it, it has materialized before them, brought hurriedly by a young girl or their own mothers. No please, no thank you. I have started to point this out to guys. I have asked my cousins what they think they are doing when they just yell a word and order women around.

That is not all of course. Even the most talented girl is kept at home, stopped from working outside the home, even in respectable positions such as teaching. Education is provided to all girls but really not much weight is placed upon it because after all, they are just going to get engaged at the age of 19 and worry about the stove from then on. Why worry about what a girl is doing in school when you have to take care of the future of boys who will go on to earn money for the family and perhaps order their own women around.

Girls always take the brunt of the abuse here. Even when dealing with a little child's tantrums, parents will admonish the child's sister to make the child feel better. To an outsider, it is a funny joke that the parent is playing on the child, but it happens everyday and at every house. It affects women psychologically here, because that sister barely older than the boy might be aware that it is a joke the first five times, but she's not going to find the verbal abuse so funny from then on.

Grown women also face these problems. A daughter-in-law is not given as much respect in a house if she has not produced a son. She is not given encouragement is she wishes something better for her own daughter, while men can do as they wish and no one questions their actions. If a guy fucks around like a chimpanzee before marriage, its no issue at all; after all, boys will be boys. But god forbid that on the night of a honeymoon, there is no blood on the bed sheet; if so, the bride is returned to her house with the bed sheet in hand as proof of her guilt. Its a terrible life women lead here and the worst fact is they have no clue that it is so much better outside of this country. Pakistani men outside Pakistan change their tunes completely– aware that there are options available to women, they are more respectful, more courteous and a lot more accommodating.

Women in Pakistan have to ask permission before they try to make a new dish. They have to ask permission to go home to their own mothers for a few days. They even ask permission to go shopping, or to go to cooking classes. Its sad, really. I have started to point this out to women here, to improve their own conditions, to not be held back by old customs and beliefs that are just propagating the control men have over them. These women are members of my family and it frustrates me when I see them in this condition.

Its frustrating however. Its as if women here cannot even conceive the notion of existence without a male support. Why learn how to drive? There will be a guy around. Why go out to coffee with friends when you can stay home and cook for your husband? Why sleep a few extra hours when you can get up early just to prepare a breakfast that your son then proceeds to thrash because it is too heavy, too creamy, or just plain what he does not want today. Its weird. I was brought up to thank people. If my mom went out of her way to make me breakfast, I shut my mouth and swallowed the creamy milk even though I hate milk. If my mother sat by my bed when I had a fever I did not kick her away because her being there made me hotter still. I was not served or passed a dish till I formed a full sentence that included "please" and was followed by a quick "thank you." My sister was never made to feel second-hand in our house. She never had to get up from her seat just because our five year old brother walked into the room.

These are all daily routines that I have not only noticed in Karachi but have pointed out to people only to have them look at me with blank stares as if trying so hard not to let it seep into their brain. Its not just my family, its millions of women. Its not just in the home, its also in schools, offices and society in general. And it is not just in Pakistan, its also prevalent in many other Muslim countries. A great man once said that if you show me how you treat your womenfolk, I will tell you where you stand as a people. If Pakistan and other Muslim nations were weighed by this criteria, they would be found severely wanting.