You

I miss you.

More than I realise myself sometimes. Seeing you in his arms today, memories came rushing back to me, meories I have tried to bury- it hasn't worked, and it becomes clearer to see everytime I see you by his side.

I don't want these feelings anymore. I have tried to make them alien to my being. I was weak then, and when it comes to you, I am still weak.

I wish... I wish that you would break up with him. I wish that I could have another chance.

I wish that you had not seen me at my weakest. I wish that you had not been there at the hospital to see me suffer, inches from death. You were my most poignant support, I looked forward to your visits. But now my feelings for you hold more sway than the pain I felt then- I wish that you had never been there.

It would have been better to have died than to live through seeing you happy with another man.
I am being melodramatic aren't I? I am being insensitive too. I want you to be happy, nay I am happy for you. But everyone once in a while I click on to your msn name and I see your picture, with him... and all the happiness I feel for you otherwise disappears- it vanishes into thin air, the jealousy takes over, the regret starts to eat at me again. Never have I regretted anything else for so long- but I have regretted not telling you. Since the day you left, I have had to live with this regret.

It would be easier if I had done something wrong, but its a lot harder to live with a mistake that was never even attempted.

I miss you so much that one word from you would bring me home. Once, I wrote somewhere that you made me want to be a better man. I am in shambles my dear, and it is all for the want of you. I lie in tatters today knowing that few others can replace you. Besides, I don't want someone else, I want you.

You were my destiny. Wasn't I promised you in my dreams? You were my love. You were the one I looked forward to every morning. You were all that someone could have been, for me. Now, there isn't a trace of you, even your sorrow has left me- your essence seeps away from my senses till I am abruptly reminded of it again, days later.

One day, while you sat reading a book in my room, a song queued up on the speakers- translated, it said "I am sure you lived somewhere among the stars once, I am sure you were called down to earth just for me". It loses its beauty when translated, but as I looked at you when Mukesh sang that line, I could not help but feel that the song was written for that moment, for you and me. Now, just like the beauty of that song in english, your face is slowly withering away from my memory. I am left to think for hours of how your hair felt, how your hands felt on my back, hoe your smile warmed warmed me up after the coldest, how I could have conquered mountains everytime you took a breath. I dream all day sometimes, on days like today. But my memory is failing me, it is only from the pictures I have that I remember you clearly - cught in a snap, smiling, or looking elegant, or caught unawares.

I miss you. And even now, I am unable to write your name here, just in case you come by and happen to read it.

I miss you, but much less than I hate myself. And that above all else, takes up my time these days, hating myself for letting you slip away, without once saying to you that I loved you.Without telling you that I would grow old and die with you by my side, that I would cross the oceans to make myself worthy, that I would change every pore of my body just to feel your presence next to me every morning. In your eyes, i saw the future, I saw pension funds, kids, and dinners with your parents- but the wierd thing was, none of it scared me. I wanted all that. I had all that for a fleeting moment, when you were by my side, or atleast the possibility of it all existed, somewhere in the recesses of my brain.

But now, there is just hate, for myself and the cruel game that fate plays with me at every turn, at every breath, when it comes to you.