If I were President...

...I would outlaw loud ass cell phone rings. I was out for happy hour one day last week - it was fairly dead - and I could hear someone's cell phone on the other end of the bar ringing. Somehow it took him about 15 seconds of "Drop It Like It's Hott" to answer it even though it was sitting on the bar in front of him. Vibrate, people, vibrate.

...I would change traffic lights so they go from red to yellow and then to green, giving those morons - like the one who almost hit me on my way into work - another few seconds to get out of the intersection.

...ponchos would be outlawed. Anyone caught wearing one would be sent to live in a gated community I would call "poncho villa." The Olson twins would be the first to be exiled, to make an example to the rest of the country.

...eating Taco Bell and drinking beer would make you skinny. Unless you were a skinny dude, in which case, they'd make you look like a pill-popping Barry Bonds (note to those who are lost: He's a baseball player. No he doesn't play for the Braves).

...anyone holding a slingshot monkey for ransom would be killed by having their skin peeled off by a vegtable peeler.